Correlation vs. Causation – An exploration into the mental-masturbatory techniques of 1st World Academians

Don’t you think we could’ve saved the American Academy of Neurology a couple of bucks… spared them the cost of a 260,000 person study (aka survey)? I mean did it really take all this effort to figure out if you handed the following social groups a Goldberg depression test they might score a bit on the high side? Or really lowww…because here’s whose REALLY drinking diet soda = overweight caffeine junkies, chain-smoking haggard&divorced single professionals, neuroses-clogged fiancees & a whole pile of baby boomer’s (minus the psilocybin)… off their personalized-family-picture-drink-coasters designed to protect a mahogany desk top at all costs.

Call me a loon, but I could see all of these poor bastards feeling a bit shitty every once in a while… maybe a month-long mental-health-day from work? Or the wife & kids? Or any sort of general insanity that cricks and creeks into all of us?

Dr. Honghei Chen & the White Coat Magicians came up with “Our findings are preliminary, and the underlying biological mechanisms are not known.” Dr. Bullshit & the Also Known As’s covered DHCWCM’s title track song and reinterpreted it as, “We spent a couple years pissing away a bunch of money and exchanged quite a few e-mails in the process.” But the real enlightment staved off until Chen’s boat-rocking solo of  “More research is needed to confirm these findings and people with depression should continue to take depression medications prescribed by their doctors.” (A warning those flash-flooded by ennui that sadly no, soda-pop is not going to heal your existential wounds). 

Even more sadly is that this is not science… it is a case of correlation vs. causation: two things may trend similarly across a statistical sampling, but their independent behaviors/scores/game show tokens have absolutely no bearing on each other i.e. there is no ‘biological mechanism’ that binds the two i.e. me lighting a cigarette outside of work has nothing to do with the scoffing woman hoity-toiting past with her wretchedness… And these are the same high-brows (Dr. Chen and the other medicine men & women) who witch-hunt anyone equipped with an IM-179 Geiger Counter, Thermal-Imaging Systems, or Digital EMF Readers (see: un-liscensed ghost adventurer equipment)…hmm? Will the real pseudoscientist please stand up?

This is the nature of acadamies, of the United States’ university system, of donor-funded scientific research, of lecture halls & symposiums & conferences where hoardes of sexless experts align their agendas (kiss eachother’s asses) for the better of mankind. For the pursuit of knowledge… this is why any sort of true progress is vague & impossible and will be thrown into sterile hamburger grinders by the FDA. 


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