Week 9 – Past the Fulcrum & Up the Downspout

Week 8 hasn’t been covered for a number of reasons… for waking up at 11:55AM on Sunday without my bets locked, fucking up my teaser, falling for glitzy East Coast promises…on the eve of Hurricane Sandy…what the fuck I was thinking I know not. I had Miami, New England and the Giants as my teaser lock… I switched over to the Jets side in a last second drought of testosterone. I had the Lions and the Browns but an unavoidable set of universal bird-signs (which I now see as a string of negative karmic repercussions from some sick past life sin…or maybe this one) brought my augury eyes to Philly and Mike Vick and Andy “The Invincable After a BYE” Reid and my wallet followed suit… by the time I had the read on the 9ers and the under in a parlay I was so downtrodden and half sober and unable to borrow some one else’s computer (mine does not have online capabilities…but it does come equipped with correcting tape) that I refused to watch the game and carved pumpkins instead.

The fucking Eagles and Jets…

Week 9 kicks off tonight, that is if you’re plagued by some type of psychotic need to emotionally free-fall between Philip Rivers and Matt Cassel…thanks but I drink enough tequilla to lay off this one. The Chiefs are the right play (value on a road-divisional must-win, and the Chargers are almost still playing in October) but fuck betting on Romeo Crenell. He should’ve joined Master P and Lil Cease and traded his Motorola headpiece for a rap video model. To choose between riding dough on Crenell or losing it to Normal Turner is like directing a tatoo artist as to where exactly you want that piercing to slide through your scrotum… not hot.

This week its going to be a power play or bust… I want to ride the Ravens to the gates of hell on a straight pick, but my inability to hit a Vegas Teaser this year has forced me (for better or worse) back to capturing the unicorn… I like BUF +16, BAL +3,  OAK +7 and DAL +10… I know your thinking to yourself (as I did to myself), “Romo and Palmer on the same dance ticket? Buffalo away against an undefeated Texas piledriver?” There is potential for disaster but a 4-Team play puts my bankroll back in black and ready for the 2nd Half Surge. Steelers-Giants is completely out-of-bounds and Vikings-Seahawks might as well be outside the county… I am considering trading out BUF or DAL for ARZ at +17. Lambeau can play host to some serious bloodbaths, but the Cardinals are coming off a downer couple of weeks and I think their pass defense will be able to restrict a limited GB offense…maybe add a 5th game to the mix and go for the gold.

All I know is the cash will be laid out on the table before 11:57 this week. Godspeed and winners under the Iris Moon.