Who funds this shit-piling and soul-looting?


How often do you see an author’s picture posted in the margin of his own column, let alone a CNN Health Special Report linking sex and money…linking sex and money…when your main point coincides with the UNDERLYING thesis that 20 years of rap music has laid the foundation for, you don’t want your mug anywhere near the by-line. You don’t even want a by-line…you want a clever pseudonym and a case of Chivas to forget that bag of shit you just engorged and then re-shat down your family members’ mouths… unless you’re Ian Kerner.

Ian Kerner

Fuck Ian Kerner, and fuck CNN for having a Health&Wellness section that they feel obligated to update on a consistent basis… his photo isn’t even AP stamped, it’s Courtesy Ian Kerner… courtesy of an Eastern-European premium personal photographer who bitched at him and his family in their Upper West Side living room for half an hour before finding a suitable angle from which his wife’s elbows could bend around her bannister-backed chair…

Kerner has an advanced degree from the FOR PROFIT zenith of learning that is The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. He’s partied with Donny Deutsch, Anderson Cooper, and Doctor Drew (this trio sounds like the worst folk-pop outfit assembled since the Monkees). He works and lives and lectures in New York and contributes to Cosmo and is a recipient of the Watson Fellowship (encouraging experience and experimentation over formal research…one of the few grants out there that requires no ‘tangible output’…obviously only students from east coast liberal arts colleges with less than 1,000 students are eligible)… Wendy Williams and Howard Stern dig his voice…are you convinced of his genius yet?

Let me dive straight into the esoterics…

“Hooking up with the rich may even improve the quality of sex, at least for women. In a 2009 study researchers at Newcastle University found that as male partners’ income increased, so did the frequency of women’s orgasms.

Could money act as an aphrodisiac? Maybe. Or, as the study’s authors suggest, perhaps wealth-inspired orgasms are the result of evolution, helping women discriminate between men to find those that have the best provider potential.

However, a partner who can provide more resources and more orgasms may not necessarily be the best long-term bet, because wealth changes people, and not always for the better.”

Obviously wealth did not change you for the better Mr. Kerner… you may think you’re a doctor, and your student loan bills from that for-profit printing press might anchor that belief…it probably drives you to write quack novels about phantom clitorises and embark on celebrity book tours and market your worthless brand across any medium that sniffs your grundle…your wealth brought mankind 1,000 unoriginal words supporting the argument that more sex makes men happier, money gives men access to more sex, and money makes women happy too. From the bottom of your readership’s heart Mr. Kerner, thank you for this incredible insight into the innerworkings of the human psyche. My animal sacrifice is on the altar, thanking Jehova and Yahweh and Elijah Mohammed that IBM threw you $25,000 to expand your horizons after college.

Has the collective IQ dropped so low that we need to tell guys to make more money so they can get laid? Do people really need to be told that ‘the positive interactions with your partner should outnumber the negative?’ Even this statement is ludacris…the positive experiences should outweigh, not outnumber, Mr. Kerner…one really good after-dinner romp can save a marriage from the hundred thousand meaningless, caddy comments that preceded it.

Ted Turner must really not give a shit anymore. And neither do I.


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