Archive for October, 2012

Who’s on whose side?

October 31, 2012

How fucking awkward is this clip? ‘America the Beautiful’ performed in front of a crowd of thousands by Meat Loaf, two professional musicians, and a presidential candidate, everyone forgetting the words… Mr. Loaf is Adderall-Whisky black’d out, the other chaps are teetotaling but still remain complete outside of the rationality nuclei in their brains… Romney’s trying to sing but he can smell the gin and liquid PCP wafting off of Meat Loaf’s stained denim jacket and has gone into some type of smiley-face’d rapture… I loved the ending, “One more time everybody…” and the Loaf goes into speaking the rest of the first verse… another ramble into another microphone, for both Romney and the Loaf, flailing desperately to draw the attention of the crowd, a war between two sets of death-black pupils.

This has been the GOP campaign trail of 2012…and in many ways the Democratic…two steel rails hell-bent towards insanity while the captain maintains he is dead sober at the wheel, making the whole experience that much more frightening… people think this shit up when they’re OFF drugs…

It gets worse and worse every day… last week Pierce Morgan invited a trio of women for a triage of women’s rights for his talk show, dismally the only time of day I could grab some punditry… I witnessed an abomination. It was an obvious tag team, or I guess 3 on 1 if you grant Pierce a second X-chromosome… the host and a pair of beautiful reporters bucking heads and tackling issues against a heavily Botox’d WIDE :SMILING) neo-con princess… the tiara wouldn’t accept Mourdock’s statement as a gaffe, relinquishing only to say that it was good he apologized… the contest raged unfair and contrived and my opinions of all the FOX pundits reporters grew as both of CNN’s girls waxed a much smoother tone of estrogen than Ms. GOPB(londe) and were granted a far heavier dose of camera time. My point is the tracks go both ways… the culture of dichotomizing politics and issues and creating an “Us against Them” mentality” is so ego-involved and evil-associated I feel redundant typing any of this shit…if you haven’t seen it by now you’ve been funding in it, and even if you’ve seen it you’re still with this Super PAC of Nonsense.

Democrats and Republicans are equally culpable. The sentences they will serve for their crimes, however, will be delivered according to their participation.

Despite the adolescent back-and-forth, telling the teacher she said this and he did that, there are sides to take… and whether we like it the polarity exists and it is all we have to choose from (HST maintained throughout his career that politics were the closest thing to the gridiron)… there is good and bad, winners and losers… we all have a responsibility to fight for a side, for it is in the choice that makes us who we are and even more importantly makes us American.

Admittedly the choices are not all that sexy… neither candidate is flawless, neither is without their aligned and allied and indelible interests… but when you compare a net-worth of $6 million against $250 million (thank you Forbes), you realize there is a gradient for shittiness, and one of them leans further towards the dog park poop patch than the other.

Take another Romney backer, Mr. Sheldon Adelson. He is the richest Jew in Nevada… let that sink in. He’s so rich he’s been able to break from fellow members of the tribe and completely sever any ties to the Democratic party… for Mr. Adelson it all comes down to his companies’ bottom lines. CNN reported,  “After Gingrich dropped out, Adelson was at first reluctant to support Romney. After several meetings and conversations, however, Adelson decided to embrace the nominee.”

Hmm… I wonder what was discussed during said conversations (CNN should’ve done some dictionary sleuthing and realized it takes two people to talk to make a ‘conversation’)… probably went something like “I just sent in a $10 million dollar check for Restoring Our Future… here’s how the pony show is going to twist… I need my Chinese casino’s to double down in the next 5 years, so we’re going to call them currency manipulators and force that yen to appreciate…I need my taxes slashed by 50% because I want to convert my gold water fountains to platinum…and get your ass after Iran. IRAN IRAN IRAN… and if I ever hear you talk about Joseph Smith, gold-tablet bullshit…I swear to fucking Yahweh…” (the author takes great pride in his marching over miles and miles of journalistic terrain to ensure sure your sources are accurate, as can be)

The point is Sheldon’s wallet made his point for him, and Romney took it in the rear… consenting every moment. Dick and dick and more dick from the guy, in a Charlie Rose interview in 2008, who said that he refused to invest in anything he wasn’t an expert on:

“The disease we’re curing now is neurology,” rheumed (how is this not a verb) the sheckle hoarder.

Charlie tilted his head, off balance from the dense apparition of bullshit he found floating before him. “Diseases of the nerves?”

“Disease of the nerves… everyone wants to understand the reinnervation of the nerves.”

Leaning, further, “The regeneration of the nerves?”

Smiling, satisfied, Adelson quips, “Yes, and I’ve had a nerve attack before. Very painful.”

“How much are you willing to commit?”

Assured, still choking on his smiles, “Billions.”

There are sides to be taken and there are major players calling the shots and the decisions forged over the next couple of years are either going to make or break the fabric of our great nation. I implore, though, don’t follow the ball… follow the boys on the microphones… someone has to tell the referees what to do… Meat Loaf and Adelson and Donald Trump wired up, battery packs stored, eyebrows waxed and vocal chords waned… they represent one side of the struggle, and even through Nancy Pelosi never came close to being as aesthetically pleasing as Palin it remains critical to keep in mind THERE ARE VARYING DEGREES OF EVIL … and in this case, despite being pegged as anti-American and anti-Capitalist by John Boehner, less is more.

Much much more.

Do you really want Adelson and Trump and The Loaf sweating up your huddle?

I’d much rather have Slick Willy behind all of the play calls, a pocket-full-of loadstones and a strong taste for bourbon… he might make a buck or two on the deal (entitled by a certain Declaration of Independence) but at least he’ll be buying the drinks for the house  after the game. Good luck finding Mitty & The Boys at the bar, they’ll be haggling over tax-loopholes while they outsource all the bottled domestic beer.


The American High School System: Birthplace of Synarchy

October 25, 2012

The 2012 elections have reaffirmed a personal tenet of mine, which goes something like >90% of the America’s hoi polloi are stuck and will forever be stuck with the capacities of a 16 year old. Capacities that, when closely examined, turn out to be banal, monstrous tendencies…but socially acceptable as they are based on the capitalist agenda… masturbation coupled with a complete lack of critical thinking, the mass exodus to the MIDDLE, a constant stiltedness… observing how your neighbor dresses and who they’re talking to and what kind of stuff they have and finally why you’re better than all of it… even though the two of you are true-blue the best-of-friends.

This election is another Hollywood farce that the Republican party has been casting and re-screening for years, reeling nonsense and non-sequitors at an even more ridiculous pace than the three Rovian masterminded ballot counts that preceded it (see: hanging chads, global warming, Jed Bush). America’s barely Algebra I educated public believe enough in Entertainment Tonight and women’s psychology experts (usually sexless white males) and phrenologists that the Grand Ol’ Bastards had the balls to run the two least qualified Joe Blowjobs IN AMERICAN HISTORY on their ticket (PRESIDENT = Harvard Business School is a nepotistic outpost for the uber-elite to work each other’s rods for a couple of years while they come off Skull&Bones withdrawals… Aldrich Hall waxes necrotic on its best day…on its worst, you’re dead… VICE PRESIDENT = Miami Ohio Undergrad Degree? One of my ex-girlfriends equipped with an ass to bounce Kennedy half-dollars and titties soft like a new-born’s cranium did very well in the Greek community…now she helps manage a real estate company…this is when the fire alarm goes off…at least Paul double majored, and drove the Wienermobile (triple majored?)).

Romney is the model white collar hero, the career businessman…building portfolios and crafting his wealth through responsible and patriotic means. Warren Zevon would’ve offered him a pina colada at Trader Vic’s…perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfectly crafted media-plugs… an arsenal of amorphous, jingoistic blurbs, ready and waiting to hush-hush any pro-choice socialist that might have snuck into the town hall meeting (you would think starting quarterback, but Mitty had no interest in the gridiron and instead gave his all cheerleading… but his campaign manager will tell you he owned a ‘uniform’). Ryan is the golden boy, the Catholic budget-buster, the young buck… the dude who gets all the chicks (again…not an athlete…see: uncoordinated fitness freak), batting his photogenic eyelashes, a man of soft features with an undying belief in America democracy (aka capitalism) rooted in transubstantiation and the Boy Scouts.

Leading into this Fall I was hesitant to believe the Red Army, your neighborhood think-tanking Neo-Cons, would abandon this insane notion that the president should be ‘likeable’ rather than ‘educated,’ even after the Palin debacle I witnessed four years ago. It wasn’t that the ’08 plan worked so poorly… it was that the Republicans managed to work it so well… and so long, keeping the fight so close down until the final days (when in reality five minutes after the infamous Katie Couric interview America should’ve placed Obama’s hand on a bible). Think about it…running an unknown Alaskan governor on a pair of mammary glands and a curvaceous gait in high heels (insert chauvinist comments here… I don’t give a fuck… the male sex drive isn’t retreating anytime soon and you know as well as I do the only reason for her nomination was a Vogue photo spread… oh no, no… it must have been Guilliani explaining his endorsement with, “You know why? She had to make decisions” ) with an insane ex-POW, ready to extirpate any threat to ‘American Freedom’ or ‘the fair distribution of wealth…’ and they took 46% of the general population’s vote?

Rove woke up that morning of November 6th, 2008 with his first stiffy (not even a Cialis infusion pump can help that clay-eye’d truth-looter) since collecting on his Enron interests ( Kenny Lay anyone? Top candidate for Bush’s 2000 Secretary of the Treasury?)… the smitten bastard must’ve opened up the New York Times, rubbing, and said to himself, “What? We got 46% with my B-squad? Just wait until we stymie Congress for four years… I’ll trade in the mentally-unstable shogun for a quick-grinning prince from Massacheusetts… tits and ass we just reconstruct to tickle our female voters.” The pheromones must have been especially noxious at that year’s Bilderberg meeting at the Astir Palace in Greece.

Here we are four years later and I fear the worst…the bell has yet to ring, this never-ending class period extends, faces prinking and posing in the cafeteria windows… notes pass from hands to hearts, stares and staring and more staring, chairs reserved and gossip spread and the loud boys get louder while the cute girls delve another layer of make-up onto their complexions… it’s the same vapid gestures you witnessed at sixteen… except now the rich, popular kids have even more exorbitant amounts of cash (Romney currently has $169 million in hand) and influence and self-righteousness and they don’t have to ask mommy or daddy for permission anymore…

The GOP’s lie is so effective because it is aimless capitalism (Old Jeb’s a millionaire) backed by ancient dogma. The word of God and the wallet of the Holy Spirit…dangerous business. At least in high school you had the option to smoke pot and wear black and tell the kid with his Lacoste emblem to get fucked in the ear…unfortunately the general populous lacks any sort of courage and they will forever worship celebrity, undying and fervent from the back of class. They save up so one day they can buy that expensive cell phone, those to-die-for jeans, that next ‘it’ item that will garnish an invite to the popular table at lunch…except now the trolls chase grown-up emblems of ego assertion… LaJolla beach houses and a couple of Missouri Fox Trots (maybe an Austrian Warmblood to boot) and over $50 million in Bain Capital assets.

Obviously the kids in the back will forever continue their quiet vigil and never make it to the front…whenever frustrations bubble up the popular kids dose them up with things like ‘Pro-Life’ and ‘The Second Amendment’ and ‘One nation under God…’ they relax and remember they’re with the good guys. It’s all part of God’s plan (see: Republicans and rape) and the back-of-classers rest easy because their efforts will be rewarded in heaven… in between their fights for freedom they enjoy rounds of television and are doped like speed-freaks with pictures of pretty things and prettier people and the prettiest promises.

Neurotic and delusional and swinish…what a sweet sixteen it is!

“Nothing is more essential to the establishment of manners in a State than that all persons employed in places of power and trust be men of unexceptionable characters. The public cannot be too curious concerning the character of public men.”

-Samuel Adams

Week 7 – Pheasants on the up-and-easy, my head caught between the beagle’s jaw

October 22, 2012

I flew down to Central Illinois (I’m not sure if the geographical region requires CAPS by grammatical rules, but it certainly does warrant them after my 6 hour invasion from yesterday) to shoot pheasant. Fat, feather banging pheasant. I’ve had a hard on all week (I wake up at 10:15 Saturday mornings to shoot squirrels out of my window with my 1970 Pumpmaster 760…because after weeks watching the bastards that was the ‘hot time’ I came up with)…just the idea of exploding a clay with a 12-gauge again makes my blood flush…everything was set up perfectly.

We missed the birds…too hot outside…apparently the fleet-footed bastards rolled up and out through our field into the neighboring areas of rurality… after the 7th or 8th lap through the high grass we knew things were SOL. Despite the banging of their heads and the twisting of their beaky fates the bastards escaped without a single ounce of blood shed on Land Area #5…two hours, cigarettes, jokes, and finally a “Fuck this lets go shoot some clays.” Trapper ready…shooter ready…

Praise the gods they had delivered me from a TV screen for once on this Sunday… death to the reads that read so well on Tuesday this week… BALT was an asshole awful pick, like when you grab your buddy on the playground in the top-5 even though he’s hardly a reserve… ARZ, OAK, NE… the Jets are absolute spread murderers this year…but this week I will take them and lose, fucking regressions to the mean. I wanted PIT for second half last night (admittedly was thinking CIN for the full) but I own no computer and all the local I-Chat Cafes were closed Sunday… this pot is bubbling, if you can’t tell.

Thank voodoo and neck-wrung chickens that the Saints resurged, at least for another week… despite my general malcontent for homeless black people I will forever be in debt to Drew and Katrina for setting me up in an epic SuperBowl prop-bet spree… a couple blips on the radar, but as all my fans know, Monday is the night for the big boys. And the Marauders of the Midway are in the spotlight…8-2 last two years betting on a hometown team…talk about fucking regression to the mean…but not tonight, the weights continue to unbalance. The auto-industry collapsed but Detroit is still fucked, and WE owe them a Monday Night cover from last year(even though I made money with a tease Bears-Under). Bears are badder than Lions…check out the Wizard of Oz.

Which brings me to the destination of this meandering… how do you bet on a home-squad you’ve been killing when you know the game should be a total trap? Do you ride ride ride or do you hide hide hide? Lay or play, stay or slay? The bankroll took a hit this weekend and I’m on tilt (it doesn’t take much anymore), so I know maya wants my destruction…but my Monday ATS record has been as good as Lovie’s and I plan on pulling a Bears-Over tease to bring back the sweet sounds of yesteryears gone by…but I hate points and I might take ’em straight…LOSING SUNDAYS MAKE FOR STRESSFUL MONDAYS.


Who funds this shit-piling and soul-looting?

October 18, 2012

How often do you see an author’s picture posted in the margin of his own column, let alone a CNN Health Special Report linking sex and money…linking sex and money…when your main point coincides with the UNDERLYING thesis that 20 years of rap music has laid the foundation for, you don’t want your mug anywhere near the by-line. You don’t even want a by-line…you want a clever pseudonym and a case of Chivas to forget that bag of shit you just engorged and then re-shat down your family members’ mouths… unless you’re Ian Kerner.

Ian Kerner

Fuck Ian Kerner, and fuck CNN for having a Health&Wellness section that they feel obligated to update on a consistent basis… his photo isn’t even AP stamped, it’s Courtesy Ian Kerner… courtesy of an Eastern-European premium personal photographer who bitched at him and his family in their Upper West Side living room for half an hour before finding a suitable angle from which his wife’s elbows could bend around her bannister-backed chair…

Kerner has an advanced degree from the FOR PROFIT zenith of learning that is The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. He’s partied with Donny Deutsch, Anderson Cooper, and Doctor Drew (this trio sounds like the worst folk-pop outfit assembled since the Monkees). He works and lives and lectures in New York and contributes to Cosmo and is a recipient of the Watson Fellowship (encouraging experience and experimentation over formal research…one of the few grants out there that requires no ‘tangible output’…obviously only students from east coast liberal arts colleges with less than 1,000 students are eligible)… Wendy Williams and Howard Stern dig his voice…are you convinced of his genius yet?

Let me dive straight into the esoterics…

“Hooking up with the rich may even improve the quality of sex, at least for women. In a 2009 study researchers at Newcastle University found that as male partners’ income increased, so did the frequency of women’s orgasms.

Could money act as an aphrodisiac? Maybe. Or, as the study’s authors suggest, perhaps wealth-inspired orgasms are the result of evolution, helping women discriminate between men to find those that have the best provider potential.

However, a partner who can provide more resources and more orgasms may not necessarily be the best long-term bet, because wealth changes people, and not always for the better.”

Obviously wealth did not change you for the better Mr. Kerner… you may think you’re a doctor, and your student loan bills from that for-profit printing press might anchor that belief…it probably drives you to write quack novels about phantom clitorises and embark on celebrity book tours and market your worthless brand across any medium that sniffs your grundle…your wealth brought mankind 1,000 unoriginal words supporting the argument that more sex makes men happier, money gives men access to more sex, and money makes women happy too. From the bottom of your readership’s heart Mr. Kerner, thank you for this incredible insight into the innerworkings of the human psyche. My animal sacrifice is on the altar, thanking Jehova and Yahweh and Elijah Mohammed that IBM threw you $25,000 to expand your horizons after college.

Has the collective IQ dropped so low that we need to tell guys to make more money so they can get laid? Do people really need to be told that ‘the positive interactions with your partner should outnumber the negative?’ Even this statement is ludacris…the positive experiences should outweigh, not outnumber, Mr. Kerner…one really good after-dinner romp can save a marriage from the hundred thousand meaningless, caddy comments that preceded it.

Ted Turner must really not give a shit anymore. And neither do I.

Week 6: Searching for the High-Water Mark

October 16, 2012

Over a third of the way into the season, ascending a couple thousand feet up from the comforts of basecamp…the mountain remains as treacherous as I remember from previous years. The bankroll is rising but winter storms lurk at the edge of the sky, where sediment kisses water vapor and clay eye’d men huddle for warmth. Up for now, but I’m grabbing another blanket before I stick these tent poles into the rockface.

The Jets couldn’t betray me…I heard enough about the downfall of Sanchez and how the surging Colts were going to bury the greenbacks from New York…3 straight home losses for Rex Ryan??? I had already lost a girlfriend this month… there was no way Mike Westhoff wasn’t sending $20 into my pocket along with a back-handed comment about one of his reserve backs and a pair of fat titties. I should have double untit’d the game but I had good reads on Cleveland and the Rams and a lock with Green Bay so I decided to not get greedy…though I should have swallowed my own advice from last week and layed off NE and BALT, fucking east coast patsies…Bellicheck is not the same Admiral of Destruction this year and Brady has become too complacent laying pipe with Jezelle all the time… the 49ers laid an egg on me and all of a sudden my afternoon had almost wiped out the morning pick-ups…all that remained was Green Bay…

I believe in the NFC North, a product of hard-earned Chicago living and dying through the past twenty-five years…Texas was a sexy public pick, and the bait was cast…the Pack had failed to make me any coin for the year and I figured Aaron wasn’t going to let the family go 0-2 for the weekend after little bro donated his bones to Florida’s front four… I doubled down before kickoff and knew I had hit by halftime and celebrated until the last whistle convincing myself that Monday should be an easy lay off… be happy with what you have, caveat emptor, yada yada yada… lo, as any good bettor knows, the prime time games separate the boys from the girls…I laid off the pregame action because there was no chance I could post a bet on San Diego and Normandy ‘Bomb Squad’ Turner, even though it seemed like the right play…a snake in the grass, waiting for that perfect 24-0 first half, loving the 5 points for Denver to cover in the second…Peyton on prime time? Come On, MAN! All went according to plan, readying another week of smiles and bathroom breaks with the back page of the sport’s section until Thursday…

Week 5 NFL- Lap after lap, no checkers in sight

October 2, 2012

Hello you degenerate sidewalk huggers, we’ve made it through another one… it really takes a sun-burning Tuesday afternoon to bring the previous week to an end… forget the half-slutty-mostly-ugly women you flipped tongues between Saturday night on some stick-to-your-heels dancefloor… forget that after a roaring Notre Dame victory under the lights and a 4 out of 5 ATS steamroll last weekend that things could only get worse…

Luckily things came out even to start the Fall, but only thanks to Sunday Night Eagle Magic and a firm belief that Tony Romo’s nuts have yet to drop. Making a living in this corporate slave structure is not easy. Outside of an blatanly obvious NE pick against BUF and a firm notion that SF was going to roll NYJ… the fucking Chiefs make Normal Turner look like a bodhisatva (anyone who lets the Chargers show up in late September, c’mon man)… Tampa Bay looks like fucking Tampa Bay (they were close…close like my hook tooth’d college roommate unpacking a lip in the bar and trying desperately in broken English to make his next score)…and (speaking of less to be desired finishing records) Detroit can’t regain a touchdown for the second half spread against the Vikes??? Overall an awful week on the lines, especially the sharp steals…. and the worst part was I knew it was coming.

Weeks 4-8 usually reek of death and decapitation… cappers are rolling, Vegas has got the media by the balls, the early losers have re-upped and want another shot at glory… bad omens prevailed this weekend, but not into the next. I think the antidote is to ride my feel teams (Eagles, Jets) after hitting both last weekend and switch back across the spread line (PIT covers at home convincingly with big name starters back… HOU doesn’t show up to the Big Apple, maybe squeak a FG win or lose)…I know the antidote is to not make the square play Thursday and take ARZ over a morassing STL…I might even throw a small one on STL just to cash in with Vegas on my first Thursday bet of the season…I’m afraid of BAL and NE, my usual east coast riders, so I might have to shift my eyes south to NO and a record seeking Drew Brees…against bitch boy Philipe Rivers…3 unit play, maybe my pick of October. The Saints, with Sean P in the building, are going to hose Normal Turner’s boys and bring me redemption from last week…

Let the wheels of Vegas karma spin, red and black and don’t take your eyes off the ball.