Archive for September, 2012

Better Ingredients, Better Bullshit

September 27, 2012

Another election season, another reminder to assume a position of hypervigilance when being exposed to mass media outlets… your subconscious is not safe, and behind every seemingly harmless commercial and plug and jingle and baby formula ad lies a bill counting machine sorting out another stack. There are the obvious incursions on our ‘political ideology’ (talk about an irrelevant term), the campaign ads and the pundits bantering over each candidate’s bowel movements, but I came across an incredibly well camouflaged and sinister advertisement last night that I have since felt morally obliged to bring to you, my kind reader’s attention.

Between rounds of NFL “experts” discussing the upcoming week’s matchups, I caught a 30 second ad (presumably their newest one, since it is conveniently unavailable online) from America’s least important pizza chain, Papa John’s. I never have been a fan of the Papa (despite all the rumors of objectivity, journalistic bias does exist), but this is not a polemic against their ingredients or crust recipes. There was a single line of their commercial that struck me…not the 7.99 deal and how they should be charging double… rather their opener of “The economy is still recovering, so over here at Papa John’s…” at first it appears harmless, hell everyone is talking about the economy (by talking I mean pandering meaningless opinions over a subject far more complicated than their GED would allow them to comprehend)…but during an election year where the primary issue is the economy, during prime television hours on a major network, the agenda began to stink.

One of the main talking points of the GOP the last couple of weeks has been making a case that we are not better off than we were four years ago, that the economy is still down and out and we need Mitt to dig us out… “The economy is still recovering”… I did some research on John Shattner, the founder of the 4,000 restaurant chain (the advancement of fast food, a noble business venture), and here’s what I came across:

-Shattner was born in Jeffersonville, IN (the southern tip of God’s country) which also happens to be the birthplace of William Branham, the evangelical Christian leader/prophet/messenger of the Lord’s wrath who became famous for having a picture of a halo appear above his head during a lecture in Texas… so yeah, there’s angels running around Johnny Boy’s home town telling locals “Do not fear. I am sent from the presence of the Almighty God to tell you that your peculiar birth and misunderstood life has been to indicate that you are to take a gift of Divine healing to the peoples of the world”…all according to God’s will, the meatball and pepperoni pizza…

-John has been getting vocal this election season. In August he chastised the current administration and warned customers of the price increases that would occur as a DIRECT RESULT of health care policy change…”We’re not supportive of Obamacare, like most businesses in our industry. If Obamacare is in fact not repealed, we will find tactics to shallow out any Obamacare costs and core strategies to pass that cost onto consumers in order to protect our shareholders’ best interests”…he went on to claim his pizzas would cost an additional 14 cents if the bill was not repealed, even though Papa John’s insures only 2/3 of its employees and in no way would be forced to provide new insurance for every employee under the new mandate (they are a franchise business, as long as a franchise owner does not employ more than 50 people, he or she will not have to pay for employee health insurance)…hmm?

-Just to seal the deal, the Papa hosted a private fundraiser for the Romney’s in April in his estate manor just outside of Louisville… $1000 to have a 2×2 foot plot of space for the outdoor reception, $2500 for a picture with Mitty…listen to the first minute of the video, and you’ll see what kind of good-ol-boy gala this was…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bhfuioyI5Q&feature=related… yea, holy shit… don’t forget these Bushwood members want to take over the world, you can bet your ass on it.

The jury is out…no place is safe to hide from the NeoCon agenda, especially television. They are fighting for your mind, to plant seeds of illusion in your head… they NEED you to believe their special message from the angels, so we all can be saved and America can go back to being the idyllic Christian nation of the 1950’s…mom cooking dinner in her 5,000 square foot kitchen, dad sending his capital gains offshore while he smokes a cigar on the veranda… their blend of religious and capitalist dogma is real, and if you give them the chance, they will send you into the fiery lake to be cleansed.

Turn off your fucking televisions and join in the battle. At least order your late-night-munchy-craving za from Domino’s…

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Week 3 Chi (ch-ee_wop-do-wop)

September 24, 2012

Big week 3…no nonsense, straight gut killing picks… except for  ignoring my shoddy history of the Eagles against the Cardinals… despite the obvious, I still came up 3 units and felt alright enough to make work Monday morning…needless to needlessly say things are alright.

The end of the 4th in Baltimore… never have I heard a crowd shout “BULLSHIT” so synchronized and in such a contentious manner…they wanted blood, and there very well might have been, but luckily John College took the Ravens second half at -3 down a touchdown, playing the Captain Obvious card…the fans calmed down, the Ravens punched in a late field goal (even with the miss I would’ve covered), the universe was alright on Sunday. But to have the television pundits (see: useless no talent ass-from-elbowers), the fans, the players, basically everyone except Goodell…to have them spewing this collective hate and dissatisfaction at the officiating crews (which in almost all cases was justly due)… it was an embarassment for the league.

Goodell, get your money-grubbing act together and take care of business. (PERIOD)

At least the magic Jets hit (see: donate a quarter to the church for another candle lighting) and the Bengals hit (RG3 is my personal vendetta bitch this year, dangerous or not… I dont know if I hate him because he’s black or he’s black and good, but I will make money off this bag of Mason Dixon…let Washington believe, he’ll make a great date for the Correspondences’ Dinner next year…ROOKIE BULLSHIT…dont buy it and dont belive it…only Cam can go 6-0 his first run against the spread…make money off of the rest of these patzers)…Atlanta was easy money against the ‘Cant Play Until November’ Chargers…fuck the Bronco’s and Peyton’s bullshit (until I bet on him next week)…ramble ramble ramble…

I’d stay away from the grit tonight…you feel Green Bay will bring the whooping stick to Pete C, but if that first drive doesnt have the neccessary gusto against the home crowd…could be another long, and awesome, night for the cheesieldicks…no way they hit 1-2 ATS this year…but they’re still cheesieldicks…and the Saints are 0-3… so its safe aways and money hold-outs until the Thursday match up between (looking…) Browns and Ravens, -13…hmmm… I smell another trap. Maybe it’ll be Sunday afternoon, but you’ll be hearing back from me again.

HOUDINI!

FollOW mE ARounD

September 12, 2012

One of the ones thats on the shelf, and thats not really ever come off the shelf…hit up the 22:00 minute mark, a T Yorke original and never recorded…hence the shelf

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdePOKIIWAg&feature=related

This week’s sign of the apocalypse…

September 12, 2012

When do you know the news is bullshit? When you wake up and drip a steaming pile of oatmeal into your system?  It requires only a minimal amount of research (given the depth of data-based networks and the ever-reaching tendrils of the internet…0’s and 1’s…1’s and 0’s)…a small parcel of distance between yourself and the machine…yet so many people are unable to accept the daily contradiction that exists in their lives…they need the 10 Commandments, they need CNN.COM, they need something to anchor themselves to in the psychic-free mechanical wasteland in which sado-capitalist America has prescribed itself to, in this, our year of the Lord, 2012… when do you know its all bullshit? When do you wake up and realize you have been eating New-Path pharmaceuticals and shooting up Substance D (see: death, death, death…non-rapid unconscious decay) between First Communion parties and afternoon gaps where the wife attends baby showers and tupperware parties? When Will We Wake Up?

My arrival from sleep came early this morning…walking from the train to the fetter’d ball and chain… walking and waiting with my hangover, a cigarette…I crept into the sanctioned space our (the royal we) CEO had left for me (because I matter, even though there’s no I in team)…synaptic resonance was so far away… I clicked and found this:

Tripoli, Libya (CNN) — U.S. President Barack Obama strongly condemned Wednesday the killing of J. Christopher Stevens, Washington’s ambassador to Libya, in a mob attack at a U.S. Consulate, fueled by anger over a film mocking Islam.

Obama called the attack “outrageous,” and confirmed that three other Americans were killed by rockets fired at the U.S. Consulate in the eastern city of Benghazi.

“Chris was a courageous and exemplary representative of the United States,” Obama said.

An “angry crowd” marched on the U.S. compound Tuesday, furious about an American-produced online film considered offensive to Muslims, said Libya’s Deputy Interior Minister Wanis al-Sharif .

How much fucking time do Libyans have on their hands to riot over a YouTube video? A terrible YouTube video… try your best to watch this artistic endeavor…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_wTvx6-ok4… softcore porn at its worst. The idea that this video created a violent outburst that resulted in an Ambassador’s death is a complete farce. How do CNN’s readership allow this bullshit propoganda blasting to continue? The video has 303 views… causing a riot over an embassy in Libya? Really? I can hear them now, ‘It must be those damn Mooslims, rejecting technology and progress, unable to hand some humor and jabbing from a liberated democracy’… what a ballsy agenda these bastards have.

The American dignitary to Libya had it coming, guaranteed. He fucked with the wrong guy’s mother and he took a rocket to his midsection as a punitive measure. People are naive and think ‘How can an African ambassador make money?’…there’s no way our interests reach that far…he must be a kid back from a PeaceCorps stint determined to make a difference…the tragedy, the loss of life, the mayhem…Africa HAS TO BE the enemy… uneducated, un-Christianized, un-urbanized neophytes to the human existence…we must plant the dream in their heads…

No my friends… we are the enemy. We don’t send anyone anywhere without an agenda…there’s too much cash at stake, too many Wall St. tickers ticking…. especially Africa where the regulations are nil and the resources are ready to become erstwhile. We’ve pissed some one off, some one that took it personally…imagine a foreign group of high collared bastards plundering between US borders and ripping off taxpayers and snapping pictures with rictus-fixed children all in the meanwhile…its rather difficult, because the slightest inkling, the lowest level warning of any of this nonsense, and it would send the people into a frenzy… or at least our Western media would bury the story to the ground for a week and a half… the point is you woud fucking know.

Wait and see what happens with this one. I don’t trust it. People don’t start firing rockets at eachother, at Americans, for shits and giggles. I don’t care if this is Africa or not…stay armed (as they would have it).

PPS: Thanks #RaiderNation back-up long snapper…muchos gracias, very much, you fuck…you gave Philip Rivers the opportunity to gain another victory while posturing as a quarterback, looking adept at his position and scoring points, albeit fieldgoals…a true feat by today’s league standards.

Come on, man.

Charlie Brown and the Great Pigskin

September 10, 2012

Week 1…waxing gibbous premonitions, birdsigns, internet feeds and sports column after sports column…a repository of inklings and tickles and gut intuition…the ingredients all boil and stew and fester on… training camp updates back to those tough beats last season…Opening Sunday should be met with an air of respect, almost awe…not a Sunday hangover, scrambling to find a computer (thank you local library for turning off your gambling site security settings), out of cigarettes, lopsided from the night before, not quite convinced Peyton would be Peyton ((holy fuck he is still good)) and quite convinced in Drew Brees’ ability to Holy Sunday another resurrection for New Orleans ((despite not having researched the shitass conglomerate that identifies itself as the Saints’ defense))…hungover and erratic. The bets were in.

The Bears have been hitting for me…7/8 last year, 1/1 so far this year…I know its dangerous riding the emotion of home team loyalty as a handicapper but fuck it…when its good its good. What wasnt good was the offense’s first series +1, sacks and penalties and an interception… the Chicago media has brushed off Dwight Freeny’s injury, but it will be safe to say I will not be betting on our O-Line against Green Bay Thursday… after Jay’s pick 6 I was ready to switch from my usual dose of alpha-grade pharmecuetical speed to some highly suspicious East Indian analgesics, opium gummies and dream states…after Timmy Jenning’s second pic it became clear that beer was all my brain-box receptors would need to make it to the 3PM game.

Then I relearned a lesson I had unlearned during SuperBowl 44…don’t bet against Peyton. Doubts on his recovery, talks surrounding his ability to perform at the same level, Denver’s ‘nothing to write home about’ receiving corps… the four time MVP has been soaking in the negative energy ever since his neck injury…and Sunday Night’s clinic proved to me one thing: his ability to read a game and orchestrate an offense is UNPARRALELLED. Seriously, not seeing this guy last year, how quickly I forgot the savant-like nature of his abilities… he eliminated Polamalu from the game, broke down each pre-snap into a simple Yes/No checklist and countered the defense’s blitz packages and shadow formations because he knew exactly what they were doing before they did.

It was interesting to see how the other ‘elite’ (fuck you very little John Clayton) quarterbacks performed… Breeze and Rogers and Big United Colors of BENington Suck Dick all, well, sucked dick in the 2 minute drill. Peyton and Brady (who took a trap game and turned it into a wasteland…why I got scared into believing Belicheck would ride some ‘coming off a loss in the Superbowl equals opening loss next regular season’ trend is beyond me…fucking embarassed…I knew him and Rex Ryan would be after blood Week 1…at least I got the Jets and the Falcons.

Being a good handicapper is about managing the public perception of teams as much as it is evaluating their actual talent levels… the Jets were supposed to be shit, the 9er’s have been guaranteed by the Pythagorean theorem to underperform, Cam Newton was supposed to go 16-0 and crack every spread until Christmas just like last year… you have to figure out what sacraments Vegas wants their average better to ‘believe’ in…you have to hold true to boys like Brady and PManning and systems involving divisional strength and ATS ability… the game inside the game inside the game.

Tonight Al Davis is my totem and the Raiders will beat a Chargers team that Normal Turner hasn’t been able to get ready to play until November the past 3 years…pray for trends, pray for the perennial losers to lose and the perennial criminals to commit crimes… Ravens-Cinci is too close of a rivalry and their last game I put coin on was a 31-24  +7 push, to my weary delight… tight times in the AFC North, and Dalton is a tricky bastard. Flacco is a simple dego. You do the math.